License to ill

I have long had a stance against licensed character merchandise for children. I did not like the idea before I had one and that hasn't changed after having G-man. In fact, I flat-out hate them for the baby/toddler set.

There are so many reasons I find them so wrong. For starters, the majority of licensed character items marketed to young children are from television shows. Which, if you've been paying attention, I don't agree with kids under 2 watching at all, and toddlers/preschoolers older than that shouldn't be watching too much either. So why is Nemo on the small swim diaper? Winnie the Pooh on the teether? The Backyardigans on a size 3 sandal? Why on earth are the majority of 1st birthday decorations Elmo or Dora or Disney? These kids aren't supposed to know who the characters are yet! If they do love them as their parents will exclaim, I can only assume it's because they've had plenty of time to make friends in front of the TV.

Ah, now this is where you say that assumption is totally wrong! And you're right. The character merchandising is so rampant that kids really don't have to see the show to know the personality or at least be familiar with something resembling that shape and color. The G-man knew of Elmo because we received a sippy cup at our baby shower with the high-pitched muppet on it. And by the time he was old enough to use it, he had seen Elmo books at PDO, Elmo toys at friends homes and Elmo's face plastered on the shirts of pals practically from day one.

So this licensed character stuff is really insidious and taking over our children in general, and pushing towards my kiddo in particular, at an alarming rate.

Today I wanted to buy the G-man an electric toothbrush. However, the only options I had were Thomas the Tank Engine, Disney Princesses or Toy Story. Similar to the last time I bought him one when I had to pick Pokemon as the most likely thing he would not have seen before. How come I can't just buy a green one? Or a generic train? Or something with a ladybug on it?

The same goes for the toothpaste - Thomas or Baby Einstein. The only watershoes in his size were Spiderman. Earth's Best snacks are all Sesame Street. Most mass-merchandise brand name diapers have a well-known cartoon face on the ass. Try as I might, I've found a vast array of baby/toddler necessities that only come as a licensed character.

Everything is so compartmentalized and categorized for our convenience. There are no generics when it comes to kids preferences. They are simply steered to whatever character comes closest to that week's obsession. Kid likes trains? Your option is Thomas. Likes race cars? Here are a zillion items, but all with the Cars theme. Want a tiara for dress up? Choose Ariel or Belle, or better yet, both so your kid will know they are loved.

I know it's too much to ask that G-man not be exposed to the kind of marketing that makes him choose a fruit snack simply because the Wonder Pets are on it or demand that I get him a kid's meal because Shrek 18 told him to. After all, this is the real world, and part of navigating it will be to learn the pros and cons of licensed characters and what they offer.

As an adult, I have a Sesame Street shirt, a secret love for Hello Kitty and a passion for things with a NY Yankees license. But I also have an idea of what else is out there and the ability to make (occasional) rational decisions. Yet I wonder if I'm sending G-man the wrong message with the wrong reasons.

Or maybe, I really just need to lighten up. I bet there is a package of Spongebob edamame left in the freezer that would take my mind off of it.