G-man's manifesto
Dear Mom,
We've been together now, what, 17 months? And I don't know if you're slow or what, but there are some things you just don't seem to be getting. So here's a recap of how it's all going down.
1. The stuff in my hair is there for a purpose. If you try to wash/comb it out, you will be met with great resistance.
2. When I'm frantically pointing to something, I don't want you to constantly tell me what color it is, what noise it makes or what texture it is. I want it. Now.
3. I'm saving the food in my eyebrows for later. Keep it there.
4. More ice cream, less broccoli.
5. The fan in my room is there for me to do with as I please.
6. Speaking of my room, why are there things in there that I can't touch?
7. I can't properly play with my bath toys without standing up. You are ruining my mojo.
8. No hats.
9. Ditto on the sunglasses.
10. If I give my food to the dog and on the last piece left decide to taste and like it, you are responsible for getting the other pieces back.
11. I like my pacifier. And not just when I'm traveling or sleeping.
12. The cats WANT their tails pulled. They told me.
Should you attempt any of the following items, you risk incurring a severe tantrum:
- Offering me breakfast, lunch or dinner
- Offering me a drink
- Bringing me inside
- Moving to another room
- Failing to get the Roomba out
- Wiping my face
- Removing a booger
- Holding my hand
- Putting me in the high chair
- Taking a diaper off
- Putting a diaper on
- Failing to give me the remote
- Picking me up
- Putting me down
- Making a phone call
- Touching my toys
Ok, I think that's a good start. Of course, all of this is subject to change by the day, hour or minute at my, and only my discretion. Let's see how tomorrow goes, but remember, I've got my eye on you.
Love,
The G-man
