Those three little words
"I hate you."
No, I haven't heard it yet, but I know I will. Maybe G-man will wait until he's four or maybe I'll be stung much sooner than that. But I'm pretty sure every kid says it...and for that moment, every kid means it.
Why?
Because for a while, he's just not going to get it. He's not going to fully understand how much we love him and all the things we do for him. Even though he seems to think the world truly revolves around him, he doesn't know what that is. So when I inevitably do something to betray him, like deny him a toy, discipline him for a behavior or simply cut his sandwich in the wrong shape, he'll think I don't love him and he won't love me back.
And sadly, part of that is going to come because he won't remember this time of his journey, when we are practically allowing everything in our lives to stand still for the chance to be with this amazing firstborn love.
When he hurls the toddler/child/pre-teen/etc insults at me proclaiming the injustices of his world, I'll be able to take it, for luckily, I will remember these moments. I can say to myself, "sure, now he's being a jackass in the airport, but oh, when he was 20 months and made the sign for airplane the first time, my heart grew yet another size." And we'll both survive.
He won't have this to fall back on. He won't ever realize that his parents go into his room together every night before going upstairs and just marvel at this wonder in the crib, checking the air temperature, stroking his head, and remarking to each other how much we love him. G-man will see photos of all of the adventures we take - the visits to the zoo, children's farmstead, beach, parks, pools, festivals - but only from those images will he maybe know that he laughed on a swing, ate ice cream in the shade, played joyfully with sand.
I can hope that these experiences are building a foundation for him, one where his subconscious feeds a message of security, trust and love. But his conscious self won't truly know or understand the details until he's much older and even then, he might ignore those truths. In the heat of the moment, and he will be living in the moment for quite sometime, he'll pass on these vague stirrings and go straight for the throat.
And despite how much I may want to sell him at that point, of course I'll respond with the other three little words, Shut Your Mouth. No, no, seriously, I'll tell one of us or both of us, I Love You. It's my greatest defense.
