The mom of the future

I have a few words for Charles Darwin. If this evolution thing is so awesome, why are moms left so far behind?

There are some things that I think should happen to a mom-to-be along with the pregnancy. After all, our bodies have learned to stretch our skin without full-on breaking, recover from internal injuries due to baby kicks and shave without being able to see our legs. And after the precious bundle arrives, we get to experience a tummy that is longer firmly attached, increased memory loss and whatever the hell else I was going to say.

So Darwin, where is my third arm? How is it we've been schlepping sleeping babies around for thousands of years (hundreds if you're from the state of kansas), yet still have only two? Have you tried to cook a meal without arms? Or open a jar? Or change a diaper while keeping someone else's arms out of the dookie? Being a mom is a full-time, two-armed job even without the kid in them. Add that and you're asking for trouble.

Continuing with the upper appendage theme, what about my super flexible noodle arm? You know, the one I need to flail around the back seat looking for a pacifier while trying to keep my focus on driving? Our bodies should be one part Stretch Armstrong for the first five years after each child is born. This will also come in handy for reaching toys under the oven and rescuing someone from a slide.

Eyes in the back of my head? Why is this just an expression? Nature should be working on that. Just today I turned away briefly to fix a train track and when I turned back, the G-man was standing there with both his pants and diaper around his ankles. 

Add to my list super-sonic speed for catching a kid that is diving from a sofa; a body that thrives on 3 hours of sleep; and the ability to make anything requested - like a train, trash truck or lawn mower - appear whenever, wherever. Ok that last one is more along the lines of a superpower and not evolution, but seriously, how handy would it be? 

I have a tailbone, spleen and appendix, all of which seem rather superfluous. Is there a place I can go for an exchange?